ANOTHER DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL

Life has a such a unique way of giving us what we need (soul food) rather than what we want.

I have just come out of what can only be described as another dark soul of the night. Unable to see further than my fear and feeling like the whole world was crumbling in on me. There were many moments I felt I couldn’t go on. The pain was instense and there was no light to see. Each day through great friends and consistent work I stayed the course. There was trust required and surrender, what a word surrender!

Why are we are always asked to surrender when we are on the edge?

Jump you’ll be caught my inner voice says. “Listen you” I always say. “There has to be an easier way”. “Do you have to bring me so close to the edge each and every time.”

Then I listen and the reply comes. “For some reason this is how you learn, there have been so many opportunities along the path to choose a different way, but you always wait until you are at the edge. You know that your growth and reason for being here requires you to jump. You will be caught but this step always requires a deeper faith in who you are and why you are here.”

“……..this step always requires a deeper faith in who you are and why you are here.”

At that moment frustration arose from within me as I felt the victim pushing through and saying “Why me?” and then I laugh. Why me indeed, well why not me? I chose the path of growth and transformation and I knew that this path would bring great challenges, discoveries and great adventures. Let’s face it the other option is living my life in the comfort zone. That is the zone of boredom and well death. Death of our expansive spirit that seeks to grow and learn and have fun.

I often think we are like snakes and shed our skins often. My skin felt usually tight in the run up to this week and I longed to burst out of my body and be free. That’s the key though. Are we willing to leave our old skin behind or are we going to resist change and try and patch up the old instead of welcoming the new.

Nostalgia often hits me just before a breakthrough. I start romanticizing the old days and wishing I could be back there. Then I awaken and think come on when you were there you wanted to be anywhere else but there. The mind plays tricks like this on us and leaves out crucial information like why a relationship ended and the real reason you gave up an addiction.

Its so easy to not do the work required on ourselves but I know the price of avoiding it. I woke ready for battle each day this week. Every time I felt pushed, I replied with I’m ready, lets do this. The difference this time was that instead of pushing it away I loved it and I loved me throughout the experience. This is probably the first time I really understood what loving all of me really means. It means not abondoning ourselves when we are in pain and experiencing feelings of hoplessness. It means fully accepting all of me and from that place and space real deep soul healing is possible.

The miracle always comes and today was that day. I woke feeling lighter and brighter and I knew a major breakthrough was on the horizon.

Each time I experience this I am mesmerized by the feeling of freedom as another layer of pain comes down and another layer of fear falls away.

“You did it you know, you trusted and another pattern has been broken. Go Girl!!!”